Originally written April 11, 2004
Sy made the observation that I am a martyr, a self imposed one.I agree.For what, or for whom, are to be discovered.Pain and sacrifice make me happy.I would chose the path less traveled not so much because it’s a different route as much as because it has thorns that will rip apart my very soul and will make me feel as if the journey was more satisfying.
I have come to the conclusion that there is a sin I’m trying to repay for.There’s this ultimate guilt that resides within the smallest part of my heart, laced with acid, constantly burning a hole.I am unhappy if someone accepts me, it makes me believe there’s something wrong with their perception of who I am.I don’t crave what I cannot have, I crave that which will hurt me.
I can’t remember how long this has been going on, but it’s been the epic tale of my life.I can’t allow myself to be happy, and what fucking escapes is “why”.But there’s a reason, something, someone, some source, a point when I decided that happiness was dead, and for the rest of my life was to be lived in pain, or die searching for it.There are these flashbacks, but no complete memory…
I don’t know why, but when I first heard the phrase “I can’t allow myself to laugh, because if I laugh it feels like I’m abandoning a part of myself” (or something like it) in that play, it dawned on me that’s exactly how I feel, how I operate.
Maybe I should become a priest.
